YE OLDE GIANTE OF CERNE ABBAS IN YE DAYES OF BREXITTE
England. Cerne Abbas. Beautiful yes, cheap, no. I’ve been here before, nine years since. But the Giant has been here far longer.
I stood before him as the evening settled and exhaled. The things you must have seen from the side of this hill. ‘The many versions of Britain played out before you with sticks and stones. With ploughs and pitchforks, swords and cement, explosives, expletives, poetry, prose and ponderings. What, I wonder would you say of the times I appear before you, in these days of Boris and Brexit…?’
To my astonishment a sound rumbled from the Giant! A deep gargling garbled throaty voice mouthing …were they, words?! A bit German? A bit French? I said, ‘nah mate…English…’ Again the throaty Germanic Latin sounding syllables gargled and rolled down the hill to my ears.
A bird landed on a nearby telephone wire. A swallow, a summer migrant flown from Senegal, began to sing in translation for me in a voice that sounded quite African and lent a sense of calm exoticness to the whole surreal moment.
I AM THE GIANT OF CERNE ABBAS AND I HAVE WATCHED OVER THE AGES OF MAN WITH MY CLUB … AND MY PHALLUS! YOU HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE BUT YOU WERE NOT ALONE AS YOU ARE NOW! WHERE IS THE CHILDLESS FEMALE WHO CAME WITH YOU?! ‘What? Oh, her? No, we don’t..it’s a long story’…BRING ME THE UNSEEDED FEMALE, WITH THE BEATING OF A DRUM! LAY HER BEFORE MY MIGHTY MASQULINITY! UNDER THE LIGHT OF MANY FIRES! STRIP HER OF HER FASHIONS AND I SHALL…’whoa! Giant… easy mate…seriously, I haven’t seen her in years, and I mean…it’s best left alone that one…’ BEARING DOWN UPON HER WITH MY ENOURMOUS…’yea yea I’ll bet you could.. but mate I’ve actually got something on my mind…’ YES, YOU’RE THOUGHTS I HAVE HEARD..AND TO THAT I SAY…BRING ME THE UNFERTILISED FEMALES…BRING THEM WITH THE BEATING OF DRUMS, BY THE BURNING OF MANY FIRES!!! LAY THEM BEFORE MY GARGANTUAN MANHOOD … ‘Really?! That’s it…??! You’re all about the dick? Well I guess you wouldn’t have much care for Brexit..what was I thinking?’
BRING ME THIS BREXIT!! BRING IT UNDER THE LIGHT OF MANY FIRES, WITH THE BEATING OF DRUMS…LAY THIS BREXIT UPON THE LENGTH OF MY.. ‘Mate I can’t just bring you Brexit…no one can..it’s like an enigma..noone knows what it is…it’s not a ‘thing’..not even Boris knows what he thinks it ought to be…’ BRING ME THIS BORIS!! BRING HIM BEFORE MY MIGHTY PHALLUS WITH THE BEATING DRUMS AND THE RAGING FIRELIGHT!! I WILL BEAT UPON HIM WITH MY BEATING CLUB AND I SHALL BEAT UPON HIM WITH MY THROBBING… ‘Dude! What is it with all this fire and drum business?!’ ISN’T IT OBVIOUS? ‘Well, I dunno, maybe in the old days I guess..’ I’M COMPLETELY BLOODY NAKED UP HERE.. ‘well, yes there’s no denying your nudity I’ll give you that…’ FIRE IS WARM ‘indeed you are not wrong…’ AND DRUMS I SMASH WITH MY CLUB TO KEEP MORE WARM… ’okay, I get that you’re cold, though, if you don’t mind me saying…you don’t look so cold with the old uh..…’ THE PHALLUS IS A BIT EMBARRASSING REALLY, BUT WHAT CAN I DO? ‘Mate, I wouldn’t be embarrassed if I were you…it’s pretty impressive if I’m honest..and you know, we’ve all got one..well, all the blokes at least..’
I DIDN’T ALWAYS HAVE SUCH A PHALLUS YOU KNOW… ‘what? This doesn’t sound like it’s got much to do with…’ TO BEGIN WITH I WAS JUST A GIANT….UP HERE WAVING MY CLUB…THE MEN OF THE VALLEYS DREW ME. MEN WHO PROUDLY BOASTED OF ME TO THEIR TOWNSPEOPLE IN THEIR TAVERNS… AS THEY SPOKE OF THEIR GRAND EVENT TO INTRODUCE ME, THE YOUNG MEN OF THE TOWN OVERHEARD. DRUNKEN AND GIGGLING THEY CAME AFTER DARK AND … The giant paused…‘and what’ …AND DREW A GIANT DICK AND BALL BAG ON ME
Right…so how did that go down? If you’ll pardon the cheap gag…LIKE A BUCKET OF SHIT… THE FEMALES BLUSHED AND RIDICULED THE OLDER MEN, WHO BLUSTERED AND BRAWLED WHILE THE YOUNGER MEN LAUGHED ON…
‘Blimey’, I said… I thought you were supposed to be a symbol of fertility…says here on this board…
MANY WINDS PASSED OVER ME…MANY MOONS AND MANY SEASONS, MANY FOOTSTEPS OF MANY MEN. AND I BECAME UNDER A BLANKET OF THE COUNTRYSIDE. UNTIL, ONE DAY, MEN RETURNED AND UNCOVERED ME AS A MYSTERY…THEY RETRACED MY OUTLINE, MY ARMS MY FACE AND CLUB…THEY RECOVERED MY LEGS AND THEN THEY FOUND MY GENDER… THEY REDREW MY MANHOOD ASSUMING I HAD EVER BEEN THUS…THEY PAINTED ME PROUD AGAIN AGINST THE LAND AND ATTRIBUTED MY BEING TO THE OLDER MEN OF THE VALLEY WHO ONCE WALKED WHERE YOU NOW STAND. THEY SUPPOSED THAT I WAS INTENDED TO BE ALL ON DISPLAY AS A PROCLAMATION TO THE MATING PROWESS OF MEN WHO FIRST KNEW ME… THESE MORE MODERN MEN, TOO OBSESSED WITH STARING AT THE SUN TO REALISED THEY WERE STANDING ON THE EARTH, DID NOT THINK TO ASK AND SPOKE TO THE WHOLE WORLD THEIR STORY OF MY BECOMING, MISTAKING ME AS PROUD AND NAKED FROM THE DAY OF MY FIRST MAKING…’But it was really a bit of a piss take by the kids… right..wow..so all this unfertilised girls bit…’ WELL..A GUY GETS LONELY… ‘sure sure’ …AND IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE A GIRL YOU KNOW…THIS BORIS OF WHICH YOU SPEAK…COULD YOU GET HOLD OF HIM…? ‘What for beatings and…’ BEATINGS!!! FROM MY MIGHTY CLUB! AND BEATING FROM MY MIGHTY… ’well I don’t know him personally..Listen Giant, it’s getting dark and I need to get back to my tent, I’m just on a quick break from work really…TOIL!!! WHAT IS YOUR CHARGE?!’ I’m mostly a teacher..I try and help kids have fun understanding their place in the world by making pictures and music…’ TEENAGERS MAKING PICTURES, I AM FAMILIAR WITH THEIR IMPORTANCE AND THEIR SIGNIFICANCE…’yea I guess…the cock and balls… they definitely stand out as a…feature’ …SO, UNTO YOUR CONCERN OF CHANGES IN THE SHORT TERM I SAY THIS…BY THE SIGHT OF MY PHALLUS, FEAR NOT! CONSIDER THE PICTURES MADE BY THE YOUNG AND THE DIFFERENCE THEY HAVE MADE TO ME. TEACH THE YOUNG THAT THEY MAY MAKE PICTURES OF THEIR OWN, TEACH THAT THE MARKS THEY MAKE MAY YET BECOME MORE DEFINING THAN THE MARKS MADE BEFORE! SHOW THEM MY ENOURMOUS… ‘Whoa whoa whoa, That’s actually brilliant mate…I get it, it’s all about what comes next! …Thanks Giant!’ And I turned back to my car…
OH AND ONE MORE THING…’What’s that mate?’ THIS BORIS YOU MENTIONED….’yea?’ FOR THE.. ‘fire and the phallus? FOR THE BEATING OF THE MIGHTY, THROBBING, PHA’…’yea yea right…Listen, I can’t make any promises…but we’ll see how this thing pans out…’ And I got in my car, and drove round the well preserved villages of sleepy rural England til I got back to my tent and took pictures of the stars….
brian swaddling 